The Apology Hall of Fame
The Apology Hall of Fame
“I’m sorry you felt that way” and other red-flagged relics from the Museum of Emotional Gymnastics
By Candz — Gaslight Survivor and Shade Curator
1. The Classic Deflector
“I’m sorry if you misunderstood what I meant.”
Translation: You’re the problem. Not me. Please question your reality while I casually rewrite history.
2. The Victim Apology
“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you.”
Translation: I’ll twist this so you feel guilty for expecting basic decency. Guilt is my love language.
3. The Gaslight Smoothie
“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t want to hurt you with the truth.”
Translation: I lied. But now you’re the reason I had to. Hero arc unlocked.
4. The Emotional Blackmail Bonus Round
“I was in a very dark place when I hurt you.”
Translation: Feel bad for me so I don’t have to take accountability. Also, I might hurt you again — but gently.
5. The Non-Apology Power Play
“I forgive you for how you treated me when I was struggling.”
Translation: I’m not apologizing. I’m reverse Uno-carding your trauma. Bow down.
6. The Spiritual Bypass
“Everything happened exactly the way the universe intended.”
Translation: I’m not responsible for my actions. That was the planets. Take it up with Mercury retrograde.
7. The Boomerang
“You’re still bringing that up? I thought we moved past it.”
Translation: I forgot you had memory and standards. My bad.
8. The Breadcrumb Apology
“I’m working on myself.”
Translation: Please stick around while I give you crumbs and expect you to clap.
9. The Flirt-and-Flee
“Can I see you? I just want to apologize in person.”
Translation: I’m horny and nostalgic. Expect zero growth and possibly a reused poem.
10. The Ghost Whisperer
[After weeks of silence]
“I was thinking about you. I hope you’re okay.”
Translation: I’m bored. And I miss the version of you that tolerated my nonsense.
Special Exhibit: "I'm Not Perfect" and Other Award-Winning Excuses
“I’m not perfect, but I never meant to hurt you.”
That’s the same logic as:
“I didn’t mean to crash the car, I was just driving blindfolded.”
Chair 2’s Affirmation Calendar
365 Days of Not Being Sat On
Compiled by Chair 2 — furniture, philosopher, icon.
📅 January
Jan 1: I am not furniture for emotional freeloaders.
Jan 15: Their confusion is not my cue to stay still.
Jan 31: I don’t need to fold to be worthy.
📅 February
Feb 3: I don’t exist to make broken people feel whole.
Feb 14 (Valentine's Special): I’d rather be alone than leaned on by someone emotionally unavailable.
Feb 28: My silence is not consent. It's grace.
📅 March
Mar 5: If they confuse me, they lose me.
Mar 17: I am not a placeholder for someone’s h
ealing arc.
Mar 30: I will not be manipulated by metaphors.
📅 April
Apr 2: Apologies without change are just noise.
Apr 12: I am not your ex's redemption arc.
Apr 26: I deserve love that doesn't require translation.
📅 May
May 4: May the boundaries be with me.
May 13: Healing is messy. Manipulation is just rude.
May 30: If you wanted a therapist, you should’ve booked one.
📅 June
Jun 9: I am not a mirror for someone who can’t face themselves.
Jun 18: Chair 2 does not chase. Chair 2 chills.
Jun 27: I’m not cold. I’m healed.
📅 July
Jul 5: Nostalgia is not a reason to respond.
Jul 19: “I miss you” without change is just manipulation in lingerie.
Jul 31: I’ve never been harder to sit on — emotionally.
📅 August
Aug 7: Their growth journey does not require my sacrifice.
Aug 20: I forgive myself for every time I gave a second chance to someone who didn’t deserve the first.
Aug 29: I am no longer flammable to gaslighting.
📅 September
Sep 3: If I wanted riddles, I’d play Sudoku.
Sep 16: I am not your karmic lesson. I'm my own reward.
Sep 30: You don’t get to hurt me and call it healing.
📅 October
Oct 10: I decorate spaces, not trauma narratives.
Oct 22: Not everyone deserves access to my cushions.
Oct 31: Ghost me once, shame on you. Ghost me twice? I’m buying sage.
📅 November
Nov 5: I deserve peace, not poetic chaos.
Nov 18: Closure is not their job. Boundaries are mine.
Nov 27: If you need to ask if it was abuse — it probably was.
📅 December
Dec 3: Healing is my rebellion.
Dec 17: I’m not too much. They were just under-equipped.
Dec 31: Next year? New boundaries, same chair.
Final Quote From Chair 2:
“I carried your weight in silence. Now I stand on my own in power. Sit elsewhere, boo.”