How to Emotionally Heal When You’ve Been Mansplained by a Guy Who Thinks Metaphors Are a Personality

A Mock Self-Help Guide (That Actually Helps)

By Candz — Sarcastic Survivor & Certified Bullsh*t Translator™

Chapter 1: Step One — Realize It Was, In Fact, Bullsh*t

Let’s rip the Band-Aid:
He wasn’t “misunderstood.”
He was manipulative, poetic, and pretending to be enlightened while emotionally dodging accountability like Neo in The Matrix.

He called you “intense.”
You called him “deep.”
Turns out… he was neither.

He said:

“I’m a complex soul with layers.”
What he meant was:
“I have zero coping skills and I confuse you on purpose.”

The healing starts when you stop translating metaphors and start accepting facts. And the fact is: You were the clarity. He w

as the confusion.

Chapter 2: You Can’t Heal While Playing Therapist to the Guy Who Wounded You

You know what’s exhausting?
Being emotionally stabbed, then asked to hold the first aid kit and explain what you did to provoke it.

Casper would say things like:

“I only hurt you because I didn’t know how to love.”
So now you’re expected to teach him… after bleeding?

No, my darling.

You are not a curriculum.
You are not an unaccredited life coach with benefits.
You do not need to "understand his pain" while actively drowning in yours.

Let him heal himself. (Or at least let him emotionally drain someone with better Wi-Fi.)

Chapter 3: Wash the Word Salad Off You

You ever leave a conversation with him and feel like you just got hit with a TEDx talk… but learned absolutely nothing?

That’s because you didn’t.
You got spun.

He said:

“Healing isn’t linear and neither is love.”
You said:
“But did you cheat or not, Casper?”

Word salad is a defense mechanism for people who want to sound wise while being wildly wrong.

Cleanse your brain. Replace his philosophical Facebook statuses with things that actually help you:

Boundaries.
Therapy memes.
Honest friends.
Chair 2.

Chapter 4: Cut the Cord, Not Just the Contact

Blocking him is a start.
But emotional healing isn’t just about muting the WhatsApp pings — it’s about muting the internal justifications too.

If you’re still explaining his behavior to yourself in the middle of the night?
He’s still renting space in your head. And he’s behind on rent.

Do this:

Write out what he did.
Now write how you explained it away.
Then light that crap on fire (safely).
That’s the funeral. Not for him — for your illusions.

Chapter 5: Stop Romanticizing a Situationship That Nearly Ruined Your Nervous System

The sex? Probably confusing.
The chemistry? Weaponized.
The memories? Rewritten in your head to sound better than they felt.

Don’t romanticize a person who used emotions like debt — and expected you to pay the interest.

Remember:

He didn’t grow.
He got better at apologizing with zero intent to change.
That’s not evolution. That’s manipulation with a new outfit.

Chapter 6: Chair 2’s 5-Step Comeback Plan

Straight from our emotionally stable king, Chair 2:

Don’t move when they come back. Let them sit on the floor of their own guilt.
Stabilize yourself. Four legs, solid boundaries, no wobbles.
Don’t carry what’s not yours. Especially if it talks in riddles and wears crystals ironically.
Refuse to fold. Even under lovebombing.
Level up. New cushion, new standards, new reality.

Final Words of Non-Wisdom (from Casper’s Quora posts we didn’t ask for):

“I was too good for her. That’s why she left.”
“I was always the real one. She couldn’t handle me.”
“I’m healing through my poetry.”

Cool.
We’re healing through boundaries, therapy, and roast sessions.

🧠 TL;DR:

If you’ve ever been emotionally bamboozled by someone who made “healing” a personality but not a practice:

✨ You are not crazy.
✨ You are not too much.
✨ You were the lesson — not the lost one.